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Local news, redefining excellence

dooce — Wed, 16 May 2012 18:47:48 +0000

I'm watching the local evening news, and the lead story is about a group of disgruntled University of Utah students whose lives are being made entirely unlivable because the landing pad for a medical helicopter has been temporarily moved near their dormitory. They're calling it "a conflict between life and death, a conflict between peace and quiet." They had to choose between starting with this story or the one about a man who put his Chihuahua in the oven. I cannot possibly imagine the hand-wringing in the control room. Here's an idea: take off the headsets, set down the clipboard and SEND SOMEONE TO SAVE THE CHIHUAHUA.

They interview a coed whose hair is hardened into a crispy chunk of pork flesh. She complains that the Air Med helicopter is making so much noise that she can't study. "The residents are really upset," she says, "because we have this helicopter that's moving in, and it's very noisy. And they don't want to make it any easier for us. We're not being compensated for it."

I instinctively pause the TV and sit there blinking. Compensated. Like a gift certificate to Denny's. That would totally do it.

I mean, I live near the hospital, too. And when that helicopter flies over the house in the middle of the night carrying donor organs, I'm like, GOD. Why do those doctors have to save lives so loudly?

by dooce in Daily

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as Local news, redefining excellence. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

Ms. May

dooce — Wed, 16 May 2012 13:55:35 +0000

For someone too young to have ever watched "Dynasty," Cami sure knows how to give the Carringtons a run for their money.

Dress: Vintage
Heels: ASOS
Bag: Antique Shop
Sunnies: ASOS
Necklace: F21
Lipstick: MAC Snob

(You can find Cami here. Photos by Billy Concha.)

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Style

Over the East River

dooce — Wed, 16 May 2012 12:30:54 +0000

I got to walk along the East River in Manhattan on Sunday morning, one of the most gorgeous days I've ever spent in New York. So I acted like an obnoxious tourist and gawked at this landmark a little too earnestly. It's probably my favorite thing in the city, that and the angry, cynical cab drivers who take pride in escaping death at every turn. The attitude with which they operate a vehicle is my spirit animal.

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Photo

What an excellent day for an exorcism

dooce — Tue, 15 May 2012 17:53:49 +0000

(I am currently out of town on business, so for the next few days I'm going to post some things from my archives that many of you have probably never seen. This following was originally published on December 12, 2005.)

Yesterday while pushing Leta through the grocery store in a cart that had a car fastened to its front I accidentally backed the entire 600 pound vehicle over my right foot. A woman and her child were waiting several feet down the aisle for us to move out of the way, and for the first time in many, many years I actually thought twice about bursting into flames of profanity. The first string that came to mind was SHIT DAMN GEFILTE FISH FUCK.

A part of me recognized this self-censorship as an inevitable consequence of parenthood, of not wanting my tiny tape recorder with pigtails to play back my vulgarity in public, but a bigger part of me felt possessed of The Spirit of The Lord, a burning within not unlike a urinary tract infection. Parenthood has tapped into the latent overachieving Mormon in me, and for a few seconds yesterday I stifled the urge to curse because IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Yuck.

by dooce in Daily, Leta, Parenthood

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as What an excellent day for an exorcism. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

An unfortunate blister

dooce — Tue, 15 May 2012 14:50:13 +0000

I told him he needed sunscreen if he was going to lie around outside like this, and now he's complaining? You gotta learn, SON.

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Chuck

DA BIRD!

dooce — Tue, 15 May 2012 12:38:15 +0000

A couple of weeks ago I took the girls over to Kate's house to see her new chickens. No surprise, Leta said hello, nice to meet you, now where are the books? But Marlo... Marlo wanted to become one with those birds. She wanted to put her face under their wings and give them kisses. She told them stories about the gorilla she saw at the zoo and the octopus she saw at the aquarium and the STHNAAAAKE! she saw in her backyard.

I'm going to get so much shit for this, but you guys. I am raising A CARNY.

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Photo

A selection of recent spam

dooce — Mon, 14 May 2012 18:25:37 +0000

Just now I got a spam with a subject that made it look like it was going to be filled with fake stock tips, and as I was marking it as junk I noticed that inside it said this:

Hurry! Act now to secure your weblog toast!

Did you know about this? Because I had no idea there was such a thing as weblog toast, and now that I do I just might have a reason to go on living. I just hope they have a loaf in whole grain.

Last night I read one that took me several minutes to decipher, and am I ever glad that I took the time:

morning-breathing nutmeg liver,
conceal the winter in your heart.
that i had known it
and purposely care
you destroy the rest of the world.
to wish at least.

Here's what it says in English:

I am 14 years old, and my parents won't let me get a tattoo.

And then there's always one about penis enlargement or erectile dysfunction or one you're afraid to glance at because you just know you're going to get a subject heading stuck in your head and all day long you're going to have the urge to shout NURSES SPEWING SEX FRIES every time you open your mouth, but sometimes, if you're patient enough to receive the blessings of the Universe, sometimes those can be the most meaningful and inspiring ones. For instance:

The quantity of my sperm had been scanty, that I felt ill at ease. I was advised to eat green apples but even this didn't help. Raisins didn't help either. About a month ago I was hanging around at the bar with my best friend. And he said that I should try xxaaVOLUME. I thought, sounds interesting. The next day this supplement increased the sperm volume and improved the mobility of spermatozoa. I'd even say, it changed my life.

Okay. One, I had no idea that men were going around eating raisins because they thought it would make their sperm less scanty. Where have I been? Raisins can do that? What does this mean for people who eat raisins? Because I eat a lot of raisins. I don't really want to know the answer to that question, nor am I about to do a Google search on RAISIN SPERM because the last time I did a Google search for anything I ended up at a site that had a picture of a gutted pig carcass lying on the hood of a Ford Mustang, and I'm thinking that a picture of a sperm transformed by raisins would be as equally uplifting.

Two, you get the sense that this drug has really helped this guy's spermatozoa, a drug recommended to him by a friend, and so here you have a heartwarming story of friends helping friends when they need it the most. And who can't relate to that? I know I can, and you can, too, even if you don't have any spermatozoa. Because the spermatozoa is just a metaphor for something bigger, for whatever it is that is holding you back or making you sad or stopping you from being everything you can be. Do you fear trying new things? That's your spermatozoa. Can't sleep at night? Spermatozoa. Trouble saving money? Common spermatozoa. Have relatives from the South? SPERMATOZOA.

by dooce in Daily

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as A selection of recent spam. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

The Red Coats are Coming

dooce — Mon, 14 May 2012 16:25:26 +0000

One if by land, and two if by sea;
And I on the opposite shore will be,
Ready to ride and spread the alarm
Through every Middlesex village and farm,
For the country folk to be up and to arm.

(I don't think I have to tell you that I typed that out straight from memory.)

Jacket: Vintage (similar here)
Romper: Vintage
Heels: ASOS
Clutch: ASOS
Sunnies: ASOS
Bracelets: ASOS
Me: My MOM; Happy Mothers Day!

(You can find Cami here. Photos by Billy Concha.)

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Style

The eerie silence...

dooce — Mon, 14 May 2012 15:49:24 +0000

... right before she slumps over under the weight of all that it means to be almost three years old. It's amazing that any of us survived the hardships of that age.

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Photo

Stuff I found while looking around

dooce — Fri, 11 May 2012 17:01:52 +0000

- First Position: a new award-winning dance documentary featuring some of the most talented young dancers in the world as they compete for ballet scholarships.

- Houstoric project: current photos mixed with vintage photos of Houston.

- Republicans, Get In My Vagina

- Art of the Menu

Menus are a light version of data visualization and information design: helping the diner navigate between courses, options, and prices.

- Modified Social Benches, Wonderfully Impractical Public Benches by Jeppe Hein

- Dog toy eye view

- The Most Dangerous Terrains In The World

- I Know That Voice

- Life with a dog.

- "High in the Himalayan foothills, fearless Gurung men risk their lives to harvest the massive nests of the world's largest honeybee."

- Airplane passengers as explained by their pants

- Apes

- Stuff about Stanley Kubrick

- I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight after seeing this.

- A few of my favorite recent tweets:

by dooce in Daily, Links

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as Stuff I found while looking around. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.